3/16/2004 08:19:00 PM
�I WANT TO BE THE SKILL SETS APPRENTICE�
I am not a big fan of reality TV, in fact to me these types of TV shows and the awful sludge that are network sitcoms, are what fuels the dumbing down of America. But I digress; I do enjoy watching The Apprentice. There is something about Donald Trump that fascinates me. He�s a guy from Queens whose father went from owning apartment houses in NYC to becoming a billionaire tycoon. Now he�s a TV star with one of the most watched show on TV.
The Apprentice pits two teams of up and coming wanna-bees, who by competing in different business tasks, are vying for a spot as President of one of Trumps corporations. The best part of the show is when Trump brings the losing team into his boardroom to fire the team member who performed poorly. The catch phrase that Trump uses to rid the team of the fail member is �YOUR FIRED�. That�s why I want to be The Skill Sets apprentice just to go up and down the organization and say YOUR FIRED!
I got this idea from reading a blurb in the NY Daily News today concerning the injury to Jose Reyes. First off I thought of Cowboys coach Bill Parcells, whom you would not think by looking at him, is a fanatic about the fitness of his players. His long time strength and conditioning coach is John �Mutha� Dunn. His nickname is Mutha because he puts the players through a �Mutha� of a workout. One of the hallmarks of Parcells coached teams is injuries like strains, and pulled muscles are almost non-existent. I bring this up because the first thing I�d do as The Skill Sets Apprentice is to fire the Mets conditioning coach and go out and fine the best coach I could find to teach guys like Jose Reyes and old farts like Piazza and Floyd the proper technique in keeping their muscles limber.
Then I see where The Duke and Artie from Queens are saying that Wilpon Ward Joe McEwing would start the season at 2nd base if Reyes were still bother by his hamstring. Not while I�m in charge he�s not. Here is how my meeting with the Wilpon Ward would go down in the boardroom:
Kranepool Society: Joe, you�re a nice kid. Everybody loves you here and I appreciated that. Plus you make a mean cup of coffee and you make sure we have plenty of dounuts in the clubhouse. But Joe, your at bats are a mess.
Wilpon Ward: But Mr. Society, I�ve worked very hard at changing my batting stance and I think I�ve made some real progress.
KS: Joe, quite frankly you couldn�t hit Rosie O�Donnell in the ass with two by four. You�ve been here 4 years and each year your numbers get worse and worse. I have some younger guys that need to play in Danny Garcia and Victor Diaz.
WW: But I can play any position on the field and what about my doughnut runs (his voice cracking and his eyes welling up) don�t they mean anything?
KS: Look Joe, don�t start sobbing OK. A great friend of mine Tom Hanks made a movie about woman�s baseball and you know what he told them? �There�s no crying in baseball�
WW: Please Mr. Society if you give me another week or so I can show you I�m worthy of the job���
KS: Joe,��.YOUR FIRED!
And with that the Wilpon Ward takes his duffle bag and catches a Greyhound bus out of St. Lonesome.
For next week show, I put the Duke to the test to rid the Mets of Roger Cedeno and his obscene contract and the baseball illiterate Timo Perez.